The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.
Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some *religion*!"
The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.
Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive...."
So that whole year she had a ton of cosmetic surgery, she had a face lift, a tummy tuck, her nose reshaped, liposuction, she completely did herself over. She figured as long as she was going to live another 35 years she was going to look young again.
After all this was done, that same year she was hit by a car and was killed instantly. When she entered St.Peter's gate she walked over to God and said, "What happened? I thought you said I had another 35 years."
God replied, "I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU"
Dear GOD, Are you really invisible or is that just a trick? -Lucy
Dear GOD, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? -Anita
Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma
Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? -Jane
Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? -Nan
Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil
Dear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -Jane
Dear GOD, Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother! -Darla
Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce
Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (But I am not going to tell you who I am)
Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. -Tom L.
Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. -Bruce
Dear GOD, If You give me a genie lamp like Aladin, I will give you anything you want except my money or my chess set. -Raphael
Dear GOD, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. -Danny
Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry
Dear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. -Sam
Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. -Ruth M.
Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan
Dear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. -Mickey D.
Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, Chris
Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna
Patrick J. Donohoe Jr.
A few minutes later, another Scottish bloke walked in and the following conversation ensued:
Second man: Is that your dog outside?
First man: Aye. What of it?
Second man: Well, I think my dog may'a killed 'im.
First man, stunned: What kind'a dog you got that can kill a Great Dane?
Second man: Well, e's a Chihuahua.
First man: Ha! 'ow can a Chihuahua kill a Great Dane?
Second man: Well, I think the wee thing may'a gotten stuck in 'is throat.
His wealthy brother said to the Minister: "I hope you won't be too hard on my brother. In fact if you would refer to my brother as a Saint, I'll make a $10,000 donation to your Church."
The Minister said he would have to think about it.
At the funeral service, the Minister said: "We all know that Charlie was a terrible boozer and was unfaithful to his wife, but compared to his brother here, he was almost a saint."
Thanks to Don R. Rogers
FROM: Buzz's Christian Jokes page: Buzz's Christian Jokes Page http://www.csv.warwick.ac.uk/~suabk/jokes/index.html
When they got home, the wife said, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!" "Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget." "Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!" "OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife. "Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."
With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later. Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, "See, I knew you'd forget. Where's the toast?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
......"Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
......"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
......"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."